“I just can’t do this anymore!” As the words leave my mouth, I study her facial expression. At first, she is puzzled and confused. “What happened?” She wants to know where this is coming from. To her, we were a “happy couple” two days ago. That’s the biggest problem. She just doesn’t get it. She lets out a slight giggle. “you playin right?” “I’m done!” Her facial expression changes. Frowns and face contortion lets me know that anger has taken hold. She calls me names that are familiar to female dogs, names often referring to the female anatomy, names that would suggest that I only like to have sex with someone’s mother. My favorite coffee mug whistles past my ear. It’s a good thing that I was on my toes. I quickly mouth that famous five letter word that no woman likes to hear. I can’t say it aloud just yet. She is still throwing objects. Although, the objects did not find me as their destination, I still feel the vibration of the sound when it hits the wall. I’m thinking to myself, who throws coasters? She then walks over to me. I try to brace myself for the assault on my chest. She is swinging fist after fist. I’ve got to stay firm. “It’s over!” Her facial expression changes again. The tears roll down her face. She continues the assault on my chest but this time she is crying so hard that she can’t continue. She realizes that this really could be the end. Her body slumps and the tears continue to flow. A part of me wants to console her. The other part knows that if I don’t build my strength now, I may continue this cycle where I keep giving and she keeps taking my emotional personification for granted. The battle of my heart and my head wages on. Evan after the things in my home are destroyed, objects are thrown at my head, and my chest bruised for a couple of days, I still can’t deny that my love for this woman is deep. Meanwhile, she reminds me of what I’m giving up. “We are good together. How are you going to throw away all those great moments?” She thrust me back to all those great moments. I keep telling myself to stay strong. She moves in closer, I want to sweep her up in my arms and tell her that I will love her till the end of time. My mind will not let my body move. With tears rolling down her face she looks up at me and says, “Is this really the end of us?” With my head racing and palms sweating, I tell her, “Yes, but I don’t love you any less.” I tell her that we are just not a good fit for each other. That this marathon that we are running was meant for 26 miles not the 13 she was only willing to run. She tells me that at times she has to stop and catch her breath but she intends to finish all 26. That sounds good but I let her know that I have had to catch my breath as well but yet and still we are miles apart. I have even tried to slow down so that she could catch up. Still miles apart. Now we both are standing there awkwardly, her crying and me trying not to embrace her. After what must have seemed like hours of awkwardness, she picks up her purse and heads towards the door. Tears continue to roll down her face. My head and my heart continue to wage war as I watch her walk towards the door.
She looks back one last time as the door closes. I walk towards the door. My hand reaches up but I quickly put it back down by my side. I can still hear her crying. If this were a movie, it might go something like, me opening up the door and her leaping into my arms. Then we embrace in a passionate kiss and somehow both of our clothes fall off and we are back to loving each other again. But this is real life. In real life, when relationships end, either one person is emotionally unstable or both are emotionally unstable. I finally hear the sound of a car door opening. A few minutes pass before I hear the car start. Usually when she left my house I would tell her to let me know that she made it home safe. Although, it would kill me if something happened to her, I must let her go. The sound of a car engine now fades away. My adrenaline is still pumping. I take a moment to let my body calm down. A moment of relief passes over me. “It’s done!” I have played that scenario in my head a thousand times. It’s never easy to tell people the truth about a life they think their living. It’s also never easy to let go of someone you love. Someone who at one point you thought you might spend the rest of your with. I clean up the broken mug and rearrange my coasters. Cleaning helps me workout my emotional stress. It allows me time to think back to when she could do no wrong. It’s quickly countered by thoughts of when she would leave me dying inside from doing nothing. It’s been almost 30 minutes and I have not received a text message nor a phone call. It only takes her ten minutes to get from my house to her house. The right thing to do is to just send a text to see if she made it home safe. I begin to write the text. This phrase begins to pop up in my head. “DON’T DO IT!!!” As if it was lyrically articulated by André 3000 himself. I realize that I have to talk this out with someone. I make that phone call to my boy.
Me: I told her it was over bruh
Calvin: how did she take it?
Me: hard, thought it might come to blows
Calvin: I told you, ha ha ha.
Me: yeah, I’m lucky im kinda quick
Calvin: how you holding up though
Me: I’m cool, it was time
Calvin: what are you going to do now?
Me: I don’t know……
The last sentence read, “I hope that one day, you can really see that.”
Right now I can’t respond. I don’t want to fall back into the same routine. I read it again. I’m starting to doubt my decisions. Maybe this time the light will go on…maybe this time she will fully commit. She just needs to know how much I love her. She needs to know that I can be that rock she can lean on through good and bad times. Wait, she has had two years to realize what we can be. Someone once said that the definition of stupidity is to continue doing the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome. I’ve pasted a few grades, made a few honor rolls, and shook the president of my university’s hand as I walked across the stage. “Naw, that’s not me.” However, when dealing with emotion, love can make the smartest person look stupid. In the past I would have responded and we would have sent texts back and forward to each other until we reached the, I still love you phase. Then we start to have the conversation of “we should just start over” I never understand why people say that when a relationship has ended. All that means is another 3 months of the representation then after that, they fall back to being the same person. I guess I just don’t understand it but I don’t think many people will understand why I had to do what I did. I can’t concern myself with what other people think. I just have to do what’s best for me. And, what’s best for me is my happiness. I put the phone away and continue to watch the afternoon Sportscenter. I’m not going to respond this time. It’s time for a new day.
It’s been 3 weeks. She still crosses my mind. I never imagined that she could have me like this. All the women before her came and went. In the past, I could have another one at my crib within a couple of nights. When we started dating, she was “The One” in my eyes. I guess we got to the stage where we could no longer send in our representations. The days of me trying to act like she does not make me smile when she gives me that look. The days of her being in tuned to what I really want and need are replaced with her wants and needs. When we first met, we stayed up late talking on the phone. Every place we went we had a good time. We could have went to the laundry mat and we would have had a great time. “Damn, am I’m trippin?” Reality has set in, I realize that I’m alone. Sure, there are going to be times where I really miss her. Times when I’m driving in the car and hear “The Song”. You know, the one that every time you hear it reminds you of them. It was our song. Now when I scroll through my phone I read old text messages and look through old pictures if I have not deleted them. I might even go to her name in the contact log. Stare at for a few minutes. I debate on if I should call or not. Should I send a text message? Should I just delete the number? I’ve gone through nights where it just seemed impossible to fall asleep. I start to think of ways that it could have been different. If I had done this, then maybe…
“I’m trippin again”
It’s time to stop dwelling on what I can’t change. I’ve got to get my swag back. Mentally I have to push myself in the right direction. Phone rings
Calvin: what’s good?
Me: I’m chillin, what’s up?
Calvin: What you trying to do?
Me: I’m trying to get me one, where they at?
Calvin: Man, I got two on deck that want to hang out.
Me: how she looking
Calvin: she ready!
This will surely put you know who out of my mind at least for the night. They say the best way to get over someone is to get a new someone.
Born in Spartanburg, SC…Raised Atlanta, GA